Limits: the cure for burnout?

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this uncomfortable.

I had an empty afternoon last week and saw Don’t speak evil (​Trailer here​), a horror/suspense film about a family visiting another couple they met on vacation.

And shockingthings don’t go as expected.

If you saw this ​“Dinner Party” episode of The office​ where Jim and Pam go to Michael and Jan’s house The most uncomfortable house party ever, and thought to you…

“What if this was a two-hour horror movie instead?”

…that’s essentially the plot of Don’t speak evil.

This film is based on a 2022 European film of the same name, so of course I had to watch that one too. And boy, this version was even darker and more shocking.

This film contains some truly astute commentary on relationships, masculinity and even parenthood…

But here’s why “Speak No Evil” made me so uncomfortable:

This film asks the question: “How many of our own boundaries are we willing to cross to keep the peace and not hurt others’ feelings?”

I always joke about it ​how much of a conflict-avoiding people-lover he is​ This is me, which means this movie shook me to my core:

That brings me to the point of today’s newsletter!

Feelings of guilt and overcommitment

My father was raised Episcopal (a form of Christianity) while my mother was raised Catholic. My mother always joked that the Episcopal faith was “like Catholicism, but without the guilt!”

So as kids we went to the Episcopalian Church.

And yet I did it all the Catholic guilt!

I will do my best to keep the peace. I will do what I can not to offend. I will overwhelm myself and put myself in really frustrating situations simply because I don’t know how to set healthy boundaries.

Long story short: I would NOT have done well Don’t speak evil.

I used to think it was just because I was nice, but I realized it was something else.

I was disrespectful to myself and my own well-being!

Over the years, I have learned to set and enforce healthier boundaries. Not just to protect myself from others, but to protect myself… from myself.

I suspect that there are a lot of people reading this newsletter who also like people, are struggling with burnout, and are feeling overwhelmed right now.

If this is you, I have a truth that’s hard to hear.

The solution to burnout is not a yoga retreat

When we feel burned out, too busy, and overwhelmed, we believe the solution lies in a very specific form of self-care:

• Escape: All we need is a massage or a “digital detox” or retreat.
• Success: We just have to work Harder in the gym!
• Optimization: If only we had a more optimized schedule!

The problem is that all of these solutions treat the symptom and not the root cause.

As stated in Anne-Helen Peterson’s ​Can’t even​:

“Burnout cannot be solved by going on vacation. You can’t fix it with “life hacks” like Inbox Zero, or by using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or preparing Sunday meals for the whole family, or bullet journaling. You can’t fix it by reading a book about how to “unleash yourself.”

You can’t fix it with a vacation, an adult coloring book, “scare cheeks,” the Pomodoro Technique, or overnight oatmeal.”

As I share in my essay about it ​the problems with self-care​The solution cannot be found in a yoga studio or on a deserted beach, nor in a diary or a meditation app.

The solution requires us to have an uncomfortable conversation with ourselves.

We must first put on our own oxygen mask before we can help others.

Boundaries protect against burnout

We people-lovers spend most of our time keeping the peace and tending to everyone else’s needs and very rarely think about our own.

This is usually why we become overcommitted, unable to do the things we want/need to do, and perhaps resentful that our generosity is taken for granted.

The problem?

It is not someone else’s responsibility to set our boundaries.

It is up to us to establish, explain and protect them.

This is where boundaries come into play.

Boundaries are healthy because they allow us to actually think our needs too. Something I haven’t thought about for a long time. I bet there are a lot of great moms and dads on this newsletter list who also haven’t thought about their own needs in a long time long Time.

This doesn’t mean that we have to suddenly say, “I’m the only thing that matters,” but rather that we have to come to terms with the fact that our feelings and needs are valid, and that we have to take care of ourselves when we I will also take care of others.

Like Dr. Lakshmin emphasized ​Real self-care​:

“To practice true self-care, you must be willing to make yourself vulnerable—whether that’s having uncomfortable conversations to set boundaries or making the clear and conscious decision to prioritize one aspect of your life over another. “

Here is your challenge for this day:

Say NO to something that you are currently saying YES to out of obligation or guilt.

Set this boundary for your own well-being and mental health.

Yes, for this you will have to rely on the people around you and maybe even disappoint someone!

Especially if they are used to you always saying yes to everything.

I promise you that their reaction is not your responsibility.

One final reminder I had to internalize: “No” is a complete sentence.

We can’t travel through time, which means the only solution to burnout is to put fewer things on our plates.

This requires us to develop boundaries to protect ourselves… from ourselves.

I would like to hear what limit you set. So click reply and let me know!

-Steve

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